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  • The Velvet Rage

  • Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World
  • By: Alan Downs Ph. D
  • Narrated by: Alan Downs Ph. D
  • Length: 7 hrs and 14 mins
  • 4.8 out of 5 stars (166 ratings)

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The Velvet Rage cover art

The Velvet Rage

By: Alan Downs Ph. D
Narrated by: Alan Downs Ph. D
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Publisher's Summary

The most important issue in a gay man’s life is not “coming out”, but coming to terms with the invalidating past. Despite the progress made in recent years, many gay men still wonder, “Are we better off?” The byproduct of growing up gay in a straight world continues to be the internalization of shame, rejection, and anger - a toxic cocktail that can lead to drug abuse, promiscuity, alcoholism, depression, and suicide.

Drawing on contemporary psychological research, the author’s own journey, and the stories of many of his friends and clients, Velvet Rage addresses the myth of gay pride and outlines three stages to emotional well-being for gay men. The revised and expanded edition covers issues related to gay marriage, a broader range of examples that extend beyond middle-class gay men in America, and expansion of the original discussion on living authentically as a gay man.

©2005, 2006, 2012 Alan Downs (P)2012 HighBridge Company
  • Unabridged Audiobook
  • Categories: LGBTQ+

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  • Overall
    2 out of 5 stars
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    2 out of 5 stars

Good advice with dubious overreach.

There's some fantastic advice about healing your life in this book. To get to it, you have to get through chapters and chapters of pretty risible assertions. Get used to the phrase "toxic shame" because you'll be hearing it over and over, and it's to blame for everything from drug use and promiscuity to wit and artistic excellence. I'm sure Dr Downs didn't mean to throw out the baby with the bath water, and I'm sure he's only referring to the more extreme aspects of gay life, but he sure sounds like my parents condemning homosexuality as a whole. Start with the epic prologue, read the moving epilogue, then the useful final chapter. Hit the rest with caution.

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3 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars

Stage 2 going on 3 soon I hope

This book changed my life. I was recommended this book by my partner who constantly quotes it and used to drive me crazy with the quotes. Now I see why. Alan is incredibly honest and genuine, every word he wrote is very relatable. I’ll be honest in the beginning it was a bit hard to swallow, but when I looked back I placed the real me into this book and learned it’s not wrong but just things that are blocking me from being happy. It is possible to be happy, and this book did not only help with that but inspired me to spread it.

I would recommend this book to any gay boy, or family member or friend of a gay boy. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight this book will open your eyes to the world day boys grow up in. The struggle is real. And that’s the t.

Thank you Alan.

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2 people found this helpful

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    5 out of 5 stars
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life changing

this book came to me at a point in my life where i desperately needed guidance and understanding. i was entering “phase 3” as the book labels it. being able to understand what i had just gone through and see a way forward has been one of the most valuable things to happen in my life! thank you!

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1 person found this helpful

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  • Tex
  • 17-02-2024

very relatable and poignant

The narration was soothing and compliments a wonderful story of learning to deal with shame through doing regular practice to grow and become emotionally mature. brilliant guidance 😁

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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Finally, questions answered..

Growing up in the 2000’s without many queer role models was tough.. This book answered so many questions I had about why I am the way I am, and asked tough questions of me that I thought deeply about.
Years later, the world can still be quite homophobic but at least I’m ok enough with being myself and absolutely living as authentically as I can.
More books like this are needed and a wider conversation needs to continue.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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It is a gift for the gay man

This will resonate with most gay men, particularly of my generation (I was born in the 60’s) but for many others as well.
It was a gift for me and I will be forever grateful.

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Brave truthful book

Acxepting the truth helps to lead to authenticity and forgiveness. Mr Downs expeesses this with tender care in this book. His honesty about the reality of the destructive shame in blokes lives and practical steps to heal it, helps gay men be men first and a label second, just as he has done.

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    5 out of 5 stars
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    5 out of 5 stars

A must read

This is one of the most important books I have ever read (or listened to). I’m a gay man and I have never felt my frustrations, struggles and pain to be so well understood and articulated as they are by this author. It is a brief but detailed tour through the psyche of gay men, into the core of shame, its roots and its impacts, and with love and great dignity, it gently lights the way out. I can’t think of anybody who wouldn’t benefit from reading this, even those who will surely complain about its generalisations. It unravelled me and has taught me how to put myself back together, in my own vision.

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  • Overall
    3 out of 5 stars
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    3 out of 5 stars

An American view of gay masculinity

Before I start my review on this book, I want to acknowledge it was first published in 2005 - that is a time when Grindr didn't exist, when we didn't know U=U, and some may argue, the world was less connected or less globalised.

The most valuable parts of the book to me are the ones that the author explained how as gay men, we are constantly seeking validation from a young age, and the things we consider joyful are often not what we truly want but for others to see. I quite like the part he talked about the value of living authentically as well.

Now, a few things in this book appear to be problematic to me...
- The idea of 'masculinity' was understood in such an American-centric point of view.
- Gender roles were seen in a complete binary lens.
- To put all gay men at a population level, and say we go through shame by 3 stages... well, to conclude anything like that at a population level seems problematic to me.
- The author is also a psychologist and it's not hard to tell that his clientele was mainly the middleclass White gay men.
- The author endorsed 12-steps groups. I don't need to elaborate on this, do I?

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  • Overall
    5 out of 5 stars
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Incredible

If I could give this book 100 stars I would. It is a must read for every gay man, their friends and families. Life changing.

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